What I Want (Performed/read and written)

(If the embedded audio doesn’t work, here’s the link)

https://soundcloud.com/#gerard-ryan/what-i-want-poetry

I want so much that which I know is attainable

in some way or another,

but the bother is,

I seem to make them so unreachable.

My self contention is the trouble:

the idealistic and realistic selves in perpetual battle for power.

 

And ideally, I want this whole town

to be a playground

but without the constraints of that

end-of-play-time bell.

Infact, I’d get rid of time and all;

I’d have the recorded chimes stop

in the clocktower of the guildhall.

 

This time-void will become a landfill

and us, the rubbish trucks,

dumping everything from

time to take your pill

to – I’ve too much time to kill

to – how long until

I feel it’s finished and will

all that work even be worth it…

 

But a landfill can only be

a temporary solution for something

with a much bigger capacity.

 

So, realistically,

I just want to write further than the first stanza

without feeling I’ve lost the stamina

or conviction of what I say –

even when speaking from a persona

of a five-years-ago angsty self.

 

To not feel I need help

to overcome this creative anxiety

making my palms sweaty

hands shaking

heart beats

fast taps my feet

to the earthquake

I’ve created

has me shuddering,

shivering at the

hurricane around

– and I stand my ground –

staring blank

through the page,

blank,

at meaningless discourse.

 

After it all, I want to find the

middle ground of the ideal and the real.

I want to tie all the little poems to big balloons

and let them fly away

to orbit the earth as many little moons

and hope that someday

they descend before those who know

the words were meant for them

and that my heart was simply the medium.

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