After a series of passive happenings, this is the thought that hit me hard. Why bother? First of all, I’ll leave my ‘academic’ side out of this – this is a question of my writing only. If I wrote ‘why bother’ about my university life, then I’d be writing the reader an essay and I like to avoid self-deprecating ironies if I can help it.
First and foremost, I came to this question because of what I see myself (an absolutely fatal trait, I’ve realised). I’d consider myself a fiction writer, but that was called into question because of the fact that I only made my poetry available to the public eye. I have a few fictions on here, but not as much as I write. Did it mean I, by my own subconscious intent, create myself as a poet instead? (I’m intentionally disregarding the ‘what makes a poet a poet/a writer a writer’ thing. I write poetry, I perform publicly and I write fiction. I’ve been published small-scale. I’m a writer and a performer, whether I’m good or shit). Anyway, why would me being more inclined to be considered a poet bother me if I have such a love for poetry and the spoken word scene? It is, sadly, the fact that I didn’t intentionally control it.
My fiction is behind the curtain and my poetry decided to dance, in a fucking ludicrous manner, right beneath the light. I never take control of anything, you see, it’s an unbelievably crappy flaw of mine. I let things go. I scrap work because I don’t find it good enough or stimulating enough and am now on the verge of being kicked from university because of it. And people say that going to university a little later in life is beneficial? Nah, not until or if you think you’re fine to stick with schedules (another flaw here).
So, basically, my writing was the only thing I believed I had ‘control’ over. Despite putting my fiction in the back burner and the poetry to blaze in the furnace*, I never questioned the output and still called myself a fiction writer. But what does it matter? I’ve been happier with the poetry I’ve been putting out and the performances I’ve put work into, even when it all fucks up. Whereas, the fiction I’ve written beforehand was constant edit edit edit. I’m not saying I don’t edit my poetry or the fact that I don’t edit it as much satisfies a lazy nature or anything, but that the poetry makes me happier when writing and I’m easier satisfied with that which I don’t view as ‘perfect’. Even if it is the most god-awful, depressing shit I’m churning out.
Put simply, I have come to terms with my lack of control over the majority of my life. Sometimes control with other aspects of life can get me down, and yeah, they do. But attempts at controlling what actually makes you happy, only to substitute it with that which may point out your flaws continuously is just downright stupid. So why bother?
I decided to include a couple of handwritten pieces here from a while ago also.
* Imagine the words I’m writing are in clay, not paper. I don’t want to be found out to be poor with metaphor.
NB: I’m writing this instead of doing work. I’m probably not the best person to take advice from.